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October 23, 2009
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I atone
for every stupid
insomniac thought;
my wide-eyed
blood vessel
???-dreams
(do daydreams at night
deserve a name?)

I atone with every waking moment.

They will never leave me be;
the dirty fingers. The shadow figures in my bed.
Playing shadow figure games I can't make out.
The crawlers on the walls. I think the TV is still on
when it never is

& etc.

I atone
for every song I sang
when the audience was long gone
and the leaves were fleeing.
I have the worst timing in the wor
ld. Some
times.

In the black cups I find my nectar.
It pours out of me when I try to swallow it back
again and again. The logic compels me
to drink
again and again.

I hear the sound of countless tiny waves
in the cup nation
I peopled.

The days blast into my face
like jet time.

Sometimes you tell me
we're having sex. Sometimes
you're not there. My skin
is peeling and I think of petals.
I am a raw man underneath.
I feel my body with
too many hands.
I want the other ones
to belong.

I think the TV is off now,
but still I'm watching.
I'm not alone.

And I atone
every time my mind
runs wild.
Don't worry, I haven't gone insane, just a little experiment :)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconvertigoart:
I will go at this stanza by stanza.

I atone
for every stupid
insomniac thought;
my wide-eyed
blood vessel
???-dreams
(do daydreams at night
deserve a name?)


I think you could get rid of the question marks and the hash mark and this stanza would flow much better. Right now I, personally, stumble over it.

I atone with every waking moment.

Nothing wrong here. It reads wonderfully and sets a great tone for the rest of the piece.

They will never leave me be;
the dirty fingers. The shadow figures in my bed.
Playing shadow figure games I can't make out.
The crawlers on the walls. I think the TV is still on
when it never is


I would change this a bit so it is an easier read. I would say "The shadow figures in my bed play figure games that I can't make out." Also, I would put a coma after on.

& etc.

I atone
for every song I sang
when the audience was long gone
and the leaves were fleeing.
I have the worst timing in the wor
ld. Some
times.


I completely understand strange line breaks, but here world should be on the same line. I would take out "and the leaves were fleeing. I would also put a coma, not a period, after world and include sometimes in that sentence.

In the black cups I find my nectar.
It pours out of me when I try to swallow it back
again and again. The logic compels me
to drink
again and again.


You don't need "it back". "swallow it" is plenty. Also, the repetition of "again and again" is overkill. I would take out the first one.

I hear the sound of countless tiny waves
in the cup nation
I peopled.


I like this stanza just how it is. I would change nothing here.

The days blast into my face
like jet time.


"jet time" does not make sense. I would find a better way to get your point across here.

Sometimes you tell me
we're having sex. Sometimes
you're not there. My skin
is peeling and I think of petals.
I am a raw man underneath.
I feel my body with
too many hands.
I want the other ones
to belong.


This is a bit jumbled, but I think that is what you were going for. So again, I would leave this stanza alone.

I think the TV is off now,
but still I'm watching.
I'm not alone.


Why are you not alone? Is it the cup nation, the shadows, I would add an extra line here explaining who or what is with you to make you not alone

And I atone
every time my mind
runs wild.


Wonderful ending.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconkatarthis:
katarthis Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Insomnia, half empty coffee cups, two am tv static, and the worst timing in the wor
ld. Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about here, and I think this sings just right the way you've placed it. The Crit was nice, but not necessary for such a performance piece.
My question is, in this world where all the TV's have gone to 24 hour cable, are you old enough to remember the alien static of too long nights from the era before?

It sounds like it.
Well done author.

k
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I am old enough indeed. When I was young, we had a single channel in this country. Before shows came on, it used to show a clock and an aquarium. I think that actual shows started at 4 pm :)
Reply
:iconrennskye:
rennskye Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010
Wow. This... this ... wow.
It beats, like a heart but not the way a heart should. Beat-skip-beat-skip-beat-skip-skip-beat. Almost regular, with jolts and stops that jerk you about and force you to face forward and see rather than just look.
A wonderful piece, absolutely wonderful, though it does chill down to the bone and past. But perhaps that is part of the reason why it can be considered art, neh?
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad to see that you read it this way (as I hoped people would). It is a broken piece :)
Reply
:iconrennskye:
rennskye Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010
And you certainly get that to come across very well, to me it is very clear that it's fractured.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010  Professional Writer
most excellent!
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you - some seem to love this, others want to "correct" it, it seems. I guess I can call that mission accomplished, then :)
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Professional Writer
they don't realize that what you're writing about isn't SUPPOSED to be organized and proper. they miss the point.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, thank you so much! :)

One person was very nice and offered up a detailed critique, which is now visible under the poem. I always accept critiques, and I appreciate them very much for what they are, but yes, it appears that the person assumed I wanted to write something 'proper' here. And I always feel that people must think that I'm making up excuses when I tell them that what I write is meant to sound "wrong" or have a staggered flow.

Maybe I'm putting these works up in the wrong category. I guess they don't really fit the definition of 'Free & Blank Verse'...
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010
"Don't worry, I haven't gone insane, ..."

Well, why not? Slacker!
;)
Reply
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