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Submitted on
December 10, 2012
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10 (who?)
You sat with one hand on the dashboard,
your other one shaking,
reluctantly dancing with a cheap cigarette,
that you were simply burning,
because something needed to die.
We didn't look each other in the eye,
except in the rear view mirror,
the irony not yet reflected.

I will never forget that six thousand mile stare,
many times your age shining from the endless deep,
the weight of everything you carry
written in ruptured veins.

"Old ghosts dancing again," I said.
"This is not very good," I whispered,
tightened throat and eyes aflame.
You echoed, and then you were gone.
I remained for a while, in that wreck of a Chevy,
marooned in a landscape of broken plastic,
trees of straws and cavernous containers,
all your books and other secret escapes.
Still dealing with things.
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This was a very dark read, but a fruitful one - the dealing with dread, the ending used, and the manner in which you've given your character so much brevity is really impressive.

Its saddening to bear with the protagonist's burden, and its also an unbearable plight to comprehend, but we have to do it; What I love most in this work is the honesty... I can only imagine how much sorrow the protagonist went through, just to bear that loss.

The first two stanzas are enough to get the point through.

Frankly, the technique is acceptable in itself: its concise and the rhyme added inadvertently gives a sharp contrast to the scenario - it needs no comments, it gets the point through.
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your work has been featured here: [link] please go check out the other pieces & have a nice day :heart:
neonxaos Dec 18, 2012  Student Writer
I thought I replied to this already... Thanks a bunch!
ThAt is pretty damned good.
neonxaos Dec 12, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you, good sir :)
It was a pleasure to read.
vespera Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Do you mean that the books were secret escapes?

"marooned in a landscape of broken plastic,
trees of straws and cavernous containers,
all your books and other secret escapes"

I'm imagining broken plastic, (none broken) trees of straw and containers, and secret escapes, which include books.

Just want to make sure I'm reading that right and you didn't miss a serial comma or two :)
neonxaos Dec 11, 2012  Student Writer
Yes, it should read like that. "trees of straws and cavernous containers" is sort of a continued observation, not part of the sequence above. I wanted a slightly disjointed, broken feel. :)
vespera Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's a cool image :D
Oh but ouch.
neonxaos Dec 11, 2012  Student Writer
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