Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconneonxaos: More from neonxaos


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
December 10, 2012
File Size
945 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
233
Favourites
10 (who?)
Comments
20
Downloads
3
×
You sat with one hand on the dashboard,
your other one shaking,
reluctantly dancing with a cheap cigarette,
that you were simply burning,
because something needed to die.
We didn't look each other in the eye,
except in the rear view mirror,
the irony not yet reflected.

I will never forget that six thousand mile stare,
many times your age shining from the endless deep,
the weight of everything you carry
written in ruptured veins.

"Old ghosts dancing again," I said.
"This is not very good," I whispered,
tightened throat and eyes aflame.
You echoed, and then you were gone.
I remained for a while, in that wreck of a Chevy,
marooned in a landscape of broken plastic,
trees of straws and cavernous containers,
all your books and other secret escapes.
Still dealing with things.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconshehrozeameen:
This was a very dark read, but a fruitful one - the dealing with dread, the ending used, and the manner in which you've given your character so much brevity is really impressive.

Its saddening to bear with the protagonist's burden, and its also an unbearable plight to comprehend, but we have to do it; What I love most in this work is the honesty... I can only imagine how much sorrow the protagonist went through, just to bear that loss.

The first two stanzas are enough to get the point through.

Frankly, the technique is acceptable in itself: its concise and the rhyme added inadvertently gives a sharp contrast to the scenario - it needs no comments, it gets the point through.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
your work has been featured here: [link] please go check out the other pieces & have a nice day :heart:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I thought I replied to this already... Thanks a bunch!
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012
ThAt is pretty damned good.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, good sir :)
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012
It was a pleasure to read.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Do you mean that the books were secret escapes?

"marooned in a landscape of broken plastic,
trees of straws and cavernous containers,
all your books and other secret escapes"

I'm imagining broken plastic, (none broken) trees of straw and containers, and secret escapes, which include books.

Just want to make sure I'm reading that right and you didn't miss a serial comma or two :)
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, it should read like that. "trees of straws and cavernous containers" is sort of a continued observation, not part of the sequence above. I wanted a slightly disjointed, broken feel. :)
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's a cool image :D
Reply
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
Oh but ouch.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yup.
Reply
Add a Comment: