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Something broke.

A hard CRACK while sitting in
a soft chair. No pain registered.
The absence of it
is like watching explosions in space.

You follow the curve of your skull. You remember
how skulls are formed like tectonic plates.
Your head wants to be a planet,
volcanic, living, in change.

You continue to your left shoulder,
the one with all the problems.
But today, it has nothing to say.

Your rib cage moves
like oceanic waves, expecting a storm
that hasn't come.

You stand up,
homo erectus,
you consider your legs,
homo sapiens,
nothing feels wrong,
homo stabilis.

But you can break
more than your body.
...
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-02
Pressure by *neonxaos Suggester Writes: The piece takes me on a journey with each reading, and I feel everything that the author describes, whether I know first hand or not. The last stanza is relatible to anyone who reads it. ( Suggested by jade-pandora and Featured by BeccaJS )
:iconpomohippie7:
Critique by pomohippie7 Jul 27, 2012, 12:13:44 PM
I think the best thing about this piece is how much you are being told about the affliction but are never really told what it actually is; it lends a deep quality of mystery to it but certainly escapes being frivolous or overly whimsical. The opening line grabbed my attention immediately and the capitalized CRACK was well placed and used, not only keeping my attention but lending a sense of immediacy to find out more. The only stumble I can find in this whole piece (and it is quite a little one) is in the fourth group of lines: 'the one with all the problems'. This seems almost a sub- caliber description as everything else here is described in such novel, raw ways. Comparing the skull plates to tectonic plates makes so much sense and is just brilliant. The second to last group of lines is also just amazing. This is a very exceptional piece all the way around.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
20 out of 20 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconblackcatwhitewolf:
I like how eerie this piece becomes, how you don't know what's going on, or anything?. I am curious as to what is actually going on.
The descriptions of various bones was interesting, ("You follow the curve of your skull. You remember how skulls are formed like tectonic plates. Your head wants to be a planet, volcanic, living, in change", "Your rib cage moves like oceanic waves, expecting a storm that hasn't come.") The similes are well thought out and well executed.
The style is quite nice, and I was drawn in fairly quickly. Good wording, good style, and I also like how you didn't overuse CAPITALIZATION, which can be a problem and is a large turnoff.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Writer
A truly beautiful piece - I love this :heart:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student Writer
The last pair of lines is really really delightful!! It's such a great way to end the piece.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, sir! :)
Reply
:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student Writer
:clap: My pleasure entirely :)
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
Your wonderful words are featured here: [link]
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, gorgeous face!
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
:love:
Reply
:iconlegomaestro:
legomaestro Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconpeterquill:
peterquill Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
gosh the whole poem is gorgeous and i loved it from the start but then the last line happened and i just
fell head over heels in love
youre such a talented writer and this poem is straight up beautiful, it hit right home and i adore it to bits
congrats on the dd, it's well deserved!!!
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) I'm glad it did something for you.
Reply
:icontiptoedanger:
TipToeDanger Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Student Digital Artist
That just about sums up the week!
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ahhh...such a great approach and that ending...love it.

Congrats on the DD. Well deserved. :clap:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you kindly!
Reply
:iconkali9-0:
Kali9-0 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
amazing
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconelementalshifter:
ElementalShifter Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
This is beautiful...
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconelementalshifter:
ElementalShifter Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
You're welcome! :)
Reply
:iconvalwolfpaw:
valwolfpaw Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
OOOOO its BEAUTIFUL! :D
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconshadowphoenix-916:
ShadowPhoenix-916 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not even a huge poetry fan, but this is so beautiful. "A hard crack while sitting on a soft chair." Wow, this is fantastic. Thank you for these words today!
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you liked it. Poetry has a weird reputation. I think many people would enjoy it if they just gave it a chance.
Reply
:iconshadowphoenix-916:
ShadowPhoenix-916 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's not like I don't enjoy it, I'm just not good at it. I'm more of a prose person, you see :)
Reply
:iconaristia:
Aristia Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
Ah, you caught it perfectly. The breath catching moment when a long pain lingering finally eases, even if only temporarily.
Your description in lines 8 and 9 also perfectly capture the frustration a disabled person feels when unable to move or participate because of a broken pain chained body.
Well done.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is definitely a part of it, yes :)
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love the fact that one dude was just "neutral" :D
Reply
:iconnatmonkey:
Natmonkey Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:cries: It's brilliant, I love it.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nice! :D
Reply
:icondeadbrotherbear:
deadbrotherbear Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Student General Artist
This is so awesome.....................it will most likely leave a scar.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It is based on a scarring experience.
Reply
:iconparameciumkid:
parameciumkid Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Maybe you broke the chair... :shrug:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Sometimes things are that simple :)
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Engagingly simple yet evoking complex emotional involvement.
Good!
Congratulations on your DD :party:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much, good sir!
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012   Writer
Congratulations on the DD -- very well deserved. :heart:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you kindly!
Reply
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
This is a gem. So well-handled, an experience we all can relate
to, and a perfect shift of focus at the end. Congratulations!
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
At least something good came out of something really, really bad this time :)
Reply
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
Silver lining type of thing.
Take what you can get in this world. :nod:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012   Writer
This is really good. The tension and setting are here, the suspense to find what broke, the very fine resolution, so true. Too true. Thank you. :iconcongratsddplz: ... :+fav:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No, thank you for reading :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   Writer
And two "you're welcome"-s. :)
Reply
:iconnyiana-sama:
Nyiana-sama Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
:la: Congrats on the daily deviation!
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks a bunch!
Reply
:iconnyiana-sama:
Nyiana-sama Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
:huggle: You're welcome!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
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Submitted on
July 26, 2012
File Size
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