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Submitted on
July 26, 2012
File Size
840 bytes
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4,224 (1 today)
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222 (who?)
Comments
86

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Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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Something broke.

A hard CRACK while sitting in
a soft chair. No pain registered.
The absence of it
is like watching explosions in space.

You follow the curve of your skull. You remember
how skulls are formed like tectonic plates.
Your head wants to be a planet,
volcanic, living, in change.

You continue to your left shoulder,
the one with all the problems.
But today, it has nothing to say.

Your rib cage moves
like oceanic waves, expecting a storm
that hasn't come.

You stand up,
homo erectus,
you consider your legs,
homo sapiens,
nothing feels wrong,
homo stabilis.

But you can break
more than your body.
...
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-02
Pressure by *neonxaos Suggester Writes: The piece takes me on a journey with each reading, and I feel everything that the author describes, whether I know first hand or not. The last stanza is relatible to anyone who reads it. ( Suggested by jade-pandora and Featured by Beccalicious )
:iconpomohippie7:
I think the best thing about this piece is how much you are being told about the affliction but are never really told what it actually is; it lends a deep quality of mystery to it but certainly escapes being frivolous or overly whimsical. The opening line grabbed my attention immediately and the capitalized CRACK was well placed and used, not only keeping my attention but lending a sense of immediacy to find out more. The only stumble I can find in this whole piece (and it is quite a little one) is in the fourth group of lines: 'the one with all the problems'. This seems almost a sub- caliber description as everything else here is described in such novel, raw ways. Comparing the skull plates to tectonic plates makes so much sense and is just brilliant. The second to last group of lines is also just amazing. This is a very exceptional piece all the way around.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
20 out of 20 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconblackcatwhitewolf:
I like how eerie this piece becomes, how you don't know what's going on, or anything?. I am curious as to what is actually going on.
The descriptions of various bones was interesting, ("You follow the curve of your skull. You remember how skulls are formed like tectonic plates. Your head wants to be a planet, volcanic, living, in change", "Your rib cage moves like oceanic waves, expecting a storm that hasn't come.") The similes are well thought out and well executed.
The style is quite nice, and I was drawn in fairly quickly. Good wording, good style, and I also like how you didn't overuse CAPITALIZATION, which can be a problem and is a large turnoff.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Writer
A truly beautiful piece - I love this :heart:
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Student Writer
The last pair of lines is really really delightful!! It's such a great way to end the piece.
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, sir! :)
Reply
:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student Writer
:clap: My pleasure entirely :)
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012
Your wonderful words are featured here: [link]
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, gorgeous face!
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
:love:
Reply
:iconlegomaestro:
legomaestro Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing
Reply
:iconneonxaos:
neonxaos Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
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